grateful | ˈɡreɪtfʊl, ˈɡreɪtf(ə)l | adjective – feeling or showing an appreciation for something done or received: I’m grateful to you for all your help| she gave him a grateful smile. • archaic received or experienced with gratitude; welcome: the grateful shade.
Today I’m picking the word gratefulness! Again this word brings me back to all the things I take for granted in my life, and within that all the things I magnify in my mind as to what I’m ungrateful for. As if there is a polarity within the word of, either being grateful or not grateful. As like I got born into a family, place or setting that did not cater to my wants, needs and desires, and now I’m not grateful with what life turned out to be. By looking at the little things to the big things that shapes my experiences dependent as to what I’m mentally and physically busy with. I see myself not having been able to look deeply behind what it is I’m actually facing inside myself. Thus most importantly, I miss what is behind the experiences I have cause I do not challenge myself to learn and understand the experiences by standing equal and one to what it is I can do for myself to grow from my experiences. Bringing the word gratefulness back to myself, it seems that it’s still a lot of things I have to deal with before I can embody what it truly means to live gratefulness as an unwavering consistent expression.
So I’d like to change my relationship to the word gratefulness, in an all encompassing way, where all and everything is taking into consideration as to what makes it possible for me to be here, right now, breathing, speaking, and moving in my physical body. To dear seeing the, ugly, the nasty, the evil, that I don’t wanna look at, my excuses and justifications as to why and how I do what I do. Then from there direct myself in self honesty, stop myself from the mind participation bit by bit, and change myself using the tools of self forgiveness. That’s the process I will walk for myself indeed!
Untill I’m able to be grateful for what each day in my life offered me to experience, to introspect, investigate and learn from. Not taking things for granted and accepting a lesser version of myself. But taking what I face and learn about myself, apply myself to live words that stands within the principle of what’s best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from all the things that are here, by only looking through the mind’s eye within wants, needs, desires, ideas, and pictures pertaining to the upkeep of that which ignore all the suffering other lives and lifeforms has to go through and endure to cater to egocentric interests only privileged people as myself can justify.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the reasons behind my reasoning by emerging myself within the experience as if it’s the ONLY way to be and live, while not looking at what I can learn from what it is I think, feel and experience as my reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up the task of changing myself within the belief that it’s impossible, even though that is just excuses and justifications attempting to validate itself as CONvictions, CONvincing me that I must go with what it is I’ve already accepted and allow to exist as, a CONman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only experience gratefulness when someone or something is catering to what I expect within polarities of good and bad, right and wrong, instead of questing who I am within what I experience on every level of myself, so that I can bring forth self intimacy, understanding and change and expand how I live the word gratefulness.